Why I Won't Hire You

This isn’t easy for me. I had to think long and hard about my decision. There were alot of factors that played into making up my mind, but if this relationship is based on honesty then I have to say…I’m just not that into hiring you.

Why would I not want to hire you? Bad news; lots of reasons. Worse news; I’m going to tell you.

As a recruiter, I’ve read thousands of resumes and have interviewed thousands of people. I’ve offered many people jobs. I’ve told many people that they were not chosen and they all inevitably ask “Why?” Get ready. You’ll wish you never asked. Slowly but surely, on this blog, I am going to share PAINFULLY true anecdotes about why nobody wants to hire you.

I’m going to start slow as to not overwhelm you. The first one shouldn’t be too surprising:

• You have an absolutely ridiculous email address.
  

Guess what magichandsmatt@yahoo.com! Without ever having a conversation with you, I already know you’re a douchebag. It’s sad but true that I simply have to infer that any grown man, regardless of profession, who not only thinks but wants to share with me and my company that he has “magic hands” is a tool.

Also, thickasista69@aol.com, when strip clubs start requiring MS Word copies of resumes, I’m sure you’ll be at the head of the class, but we wear suits to my office; not boobie tassles. Please tell your cousin, gitterdone@cox.net, that while his email address does imply a certain level of admiration, I don’t want him getting anything done near me.