The Offer

• DON'T treat a job offer lightly.

More specifically, do not leave me this voicemail. Ever.

"Hi, Recruiter! I'm sorry I didn't return your call yesterday to let you know whether or not I was taking the job. I was out planting trees all day. Call me again! Thanks!"

Oh, geez. That's so sweet!
I can't beleive you were out planting trees all day and saving our environment!

I can't believe you were out planting trees all day when I extended you a job offer on Friday and you told me you'd call me Monday with a decision.

I can't believe that instead of sharing that decision with me, your recruiter, the person who offered you a job, you were out planting trees all day and hugging chipmunks and wishing you were a butterfly. Good luck paying your mortgage in chipmunk hugs, Starshine.

You've inspired me to do something good for the environment today too- I just recycled your resume.

I'm no longer into hiring you.

Period. End of Interview.

• DON'T overshare.

You look nice. Pressed suit. Firm handshake. Come into my office! Sit down!

OH- but don't do this:


Me: "Have a seat."

Insane Woman: "Thank you! One moment." [woman picks up a magazine from our waiting room and places it on the seat in my conference room].

Me: "Is everything ok?"

Insane Woman: "Yes! I'm just spotting heavily, that's all."


I'm just not into hiring you. PERIOD.

Etiquette: The Face to Face

Suit? Check.

Hair did? Check.

Resume? Check.

Manners? Ruh-roh.

Getting a face-to-face interview is the employment Holy Grail these days, so

• DON'T Forget Your Manners

I interviewed a woman who was very nice but not qualified for my position. She asked me to be honest with her about her chances at getting the job. I carefully and politely let her know that while I didn't feel her qualifications made her a strong match for THIS position, that there may be other opportunities for her.

DON'T promptly stand up and end the interview.

DON'T refuse to shake my hand and storm out.

DON'T throw my business card on the floor of the elevator, making my confused security guard bring it back up to me.

Interview tips, I can give you. Act-like-an-adult-human tips, I cannot.

Interview FAIL.

NO MORE Resume Interest Sections!!!!

I'd like to issue a special kind of "DO NOT" for the day. I thought this was a given, but evidently, I was mistaken.

"Harry Potter"??

NOT a resume "Interest".


Lock it up, people. Act like you've been there before.

Nipples Need Not Apply

• DO NOT dress casually for an interview.

Do we live in a beach community? Yes.
Do I wear a bathing suit to the beach? Yes.
Do I wear a bathing suit to the office? NO.

DO NOT come to my office in a flourescent orange bikini, shorty-shorts that may as well read "UNHIRABLE" on the butt, and a wife-beater tank top and expect to be taken seriously. How could any person on this planet consider you for a job in an office when he/she can see your nipples through your bathing suit? Yes, we all have nipples, and we're all adults here, but nipples are not a "qualification".

You could've just dropped me a quick email saying,

Dear Recruiter,

After careful consideration, I've decided that I'd rather not take your job opportunity seriously in any way. I feel it is in my best interest to continue generating my primary income from selling pictures of my feet to men I meet on Craigslist.

Best,
Nipples

PS. I'm just not into hiring you.

Relating Your Interview to an Ass-Kicking Contest

I get it. I'm a nice recruiter. I'm easy to get along with. But we won't be friends. Ever.

Our relationship will always be limited to Recruiter/Guy I'd bet BIG money that you have frosted tips in your hair even though it's 2009. It's true; we can't cross that line, so don't try to make it more casual by saying THIS when you answer the phone:

Me: "Hi Jake! How's your day? I wanted to hear about your interview."
Jake: "Whoooee! I'm not busy, but I am more tired than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest! You know what I mean? DO you know what I mean? How are you?"

Stunned. Speechless. Horrified. Laughing uncomfortably to fill the awkard silence.

Funny at a bar (kind of). Less funny with your Recruiter.

More Ill-Advised Interview Locations

The BATHROOM? Really?

SUPER instinct answering the phone while you're in a public bathroom. I appreciate the siren song of the Unknown Caller ID, but circumstances do exist in which you may just want to kick it to voicemail. Me calling you to discuss your resume ranks pretty high up on the list.

The Zoo

People have kids. People have pets. I think both are cute, but when I've already identified myself as a potential employer and you've TOLD me you are in an environment in which you're able to openly discuss your qualifications for the position, we should NEVER have to have this conversation:

Me: "Joe, I'm sorry. Is that a BIRD in the background?"

Joe: "OH! Yes, she is my friend and she is singing all over the place."

Me: "Oh, I had to ask. It sounded either like someone was choking a bird or blowing a police whistle into the phone."

Joe: "She gets very excited when I get home. Do you think it would help if I move into another room?"

Me: "I can't imagine that it would hurt, Joe. Thanks."